Halloween

Last night my husband was so excited to carve our pumpkin and bought lots and lots of candies for the trick and treat night. I am just so stunned how he loves to celebrate this event. This is our two trick and treat events that we had celebrated together. Last year was the same as well we decorated the house and our theme was to make it look really spooky and sad to say because of that there were only few kids in the neighborhood that stopped by, and there was one cute little girl with her parents at her back said that" it is very scary here" then we smiled. That's the purpose but it did made the little kids scared. hehehehe!!!! and that little girl got 2 pack of good candies. My husband loves kids a lot. That's why when I said that I don't want to have a baby he opposed. Anyway so this year we decorated the house kinda still spooky but we turn on the light so kids won't be scared to knock on the door. hehehehe!!!! lots of candies of different kinds...

uncomfortable

I took this pic just 3 days ago and this is my tummy for over 20 weeks now, actually it is not that big at all. But it is still very uncomfortable. I am not sure when my mind starts to accept all things that is happening in my life for the past 1 year and 6 months. Being married and now having a child. Just can't completely digest everything.

These past days I had been busy searching for baby stuffs, I am not sure what to buy, what I need, or what the baby need, but I am trying to get some ideas from searching and surfing the net, however I am still waiting for the up coming November 4, 2009 at 2:30pm for my ultrasound and this will be the day where we able to know what will be my baby's gender. Excited? Kinda. But it is still hard for me to think that I am pregnant and that I am actually conceiving. I honestly still felt that I am not ready mentally, financially etc. etc. etc. if I only know how to drive and able to go to a clinic and have my pills I still choose not to have a baby at all. This is not in my wildest dream. Not at all.

wondering?

As of the moment, I am still wondering if how it is to be a mother? How to raise a child? How to take care a baby? How to bath a newly born baby? there tons and tons of questions in my mind that I can't simply comprehend but I guess all I got to do is wait and find out. I wish I could be a great mother and a great wife, But at the same time I am so scared about the responsibility of raising a child to be a good citizen, professional and successful. I am scared what if? I can't give my child a good life, good education? a nice clothes, shoes and anything my child needs? What if along the way that my child and I won't understand each other? What if like in the movies that my child will become a rat brat kid that just nothing but trouble? Oh! God!!! I am scared... and that one of the reason that I didn't dream of having a child.

On the other hand, I am so amazed seeing other people a mother who is very proud of their daughters and sons, who even consider that their kids are their world? Whew!!! well my question is that are your kids consider that you are their world as well? How does it feel for a mother that their kids does not consider them the same? In fact isn't it absurd to say that your kids are your world? just wondering, because in the first place most kids find their way out as soon as they know how to survive on their own, like you and me, isn't it we find our way out from our parents nest? and go to the wilderness? Not only that I am also scared that what if? If my child is a girl and she will have sex early in her life? Isn't it sex nowadays is just but nothing to these young generation? I am one of the younger generation of today but I grew up in a very different environment where it can be considered a very conservative, but where I am today is a country that didn't care about chastity. I am going insane thinking all these kind of stuff but at the same time I am jsut simply waiting for this coming November 4, 2009 at 2:30pm where my doctor is going to conduct an ultrasound for us to know what will be my child's gender anyway.

Pregnancy

This is my pre-natal vitamins that my doctor prescribed.

These are the lotions that I am using to at least avoid stretch marks, and I hope and pray that these works if not, I will be screwed.

These are the books that my husband's sister sent me.

In continuation to my previous post, So, like I have said This is my first pregnancy and I am so concern with lots of things.

However I had been taking a pre-natal vitamins that my Doctor prescribed and at the same time bought few Lotions specifically for stretch marks, at the same time been doing some reading the books that my husband's sister sent as my guide. But I hate reading. I haven't read that much yet.

As of today my tummy is than 20 weeks old and none of my family knew about this. I am not sure if I am going to tell them or not. The only people that knew about my pregnancy are my husband's family and friends but none in my side. I am not ready to tell them all.

MY FIRST REACTION

Sharing anything about my private life is not easy for me. I am a type of person who always and at all times sees to it that I kept my life away from public, and even to friends and family, so how much more in a world wide web? It is pretty hard for me. Really hard. I seldom open up with everything even to a trusted friends. Never.Ever.

Moreover, I believe with the saying goes that "no man is an island" isn't it? So I decided that I need someone where I can confess everything without inhibitions. I need to loosen up my mind and opted my spirit to be free. and able to say what I want and speaks my minds out on whatever issues that I am interested in, at the same time I need a confidant. A trusted confidant, Where I can able to tell the truth on what I truly feel inside and what it is that bothers me all these times. I never confide to anyone about my real me not to anyone at all. My story is very complicated. Very very complicated, and it is hard for me to simply pour out those information specially to the people which I think I can't trust. and I find myself hard to trust anyone as well

On the other hand, here I am. For I have come to decide to create my own blog that focus more on my REAL ME, my LIFE, as a WIFE and As a MOTHER to be to my first baby. Life being a single is awesome. In fact believe me or not it is not in my wildest dream of having a baby. How much more to conceive a child, I felt that it ruin me. My body, my dreams, my life. This has been a long debate and a heated argument for a long period of time with my partner, my husband, I wanted to abort the child I don't want it, I don't want to have a child because I felt that would hamper me from doing anything I want in my life. I felt that it is not for me. I have so much dreams and having a baby for me is not ideal. but what can I do? I am ignorant about using any pills for I am not a sexually active oriented kind of woman. I never use pills in my entire life. for the reason that as a single womanI am not sexually active at the same time I don't socialize with men, I have friends but that's it. No emotion or relationship involve. As simple as no string at-touched, and I was raised in a very conservative family that strongly believe that a Chastity of a woman must only be given to an entitled one, the man that will walk you along the isle towards the pedestal and with the blessings of Holy-ness.

However, Am I regretting of conceiving a child? I would say Kinda, and untill now my mind still having a hard time to conceptualize everything that is happening right now. but as days goes on I am getting use to it. It still kinda hard for me to think that I am going to have a baby in a few more months, I guess 4 months more to go. But at the same time I am trying to accept it now slowly and little by little.

As times, days, weeks, and months goes on lots of things changed. according to my Doctor when I first visited there last September 4 2009, 8:ooam, she said that my tummy was 15 weeks old already. The reason why I visited the Doctor I wasn't sure if I was pregnant and at the same time I wasn't sure to continue my pregnancy if ever I was. and I am so conscious that I didn't have my period, for I usually am regular, and I was wondering why? One thing I am sure of is that I could be pregnant. I am married legally for almost 1 year and 1 month now. and I have a husband. What's the heck??? Been telling my husband that I maybe pregnant and I don't want it, let's do something. I want to get rid of it. and, I refuse to go to a doctor for I believe that the doctor would simply confirm that I am. but then he kept telling me not to, and that he wants a child, and if I did something that's the end of our story. What a statement. What can I do? I had no choice. I am not in a situation where I have the rights to decide. everything in my life right now is sooooo complicated. how complicated? It is personal and I choose to keep it to myself. One thing is it is too early for me to have a child that's what I believe.

Eventually, after I visited my Doctor and knew that I was 15 weeks old, I got no choice but to keep the baby, No way that I can get rid of, and the doctor told me to eat lots of fresh fruits and eat fresh and prescribed me a prenatal vitamins as well, for the first time I felt like, THIS IS IT! no matter what I need to accept it wholeheartedly. No choice. I am not in the position to decide for myself. So the Doctor gave us another appointment date that was last October 4, 2009 at 230pm.

October 4, 2009 My husband and I went to to see my Doctor and we were expecting that I would know what the gender is, but then My Doctor just give me a routine check-up, listened to the child heart beat, and everything was normal and took a blood from me for some kind of a test to evaluate if I maybe carrying a child with syndrome, or whatever it is. and informed me as well that I was 20 weeks and 2 days old, and that I am 108lbs, and wanted me to gain more for the baby's sake, and few days ago Good thing the Hospital called and informed my husband that the test was normal and that nothing to worry about. well, how can it not be? I don't either smoke or drinks and nothing in my family that has a history of any kind of illness so does in my husband's side. My next appointment date will on November 4, 2009 again by this time the Doctor will conduct an ultrasound then.

These past days and night, perhaps my tummy is more than 20 weeks old, i can feel the baby is moving and it feels weird the first time but then I get use to it already. Does it bothers me? as of the moment not anymore and, honestly i am kinda looking forward to it.and I had been reading books that my husband's sister sent from Texas. Kinda help me understand some vague issues about pregnancy.

( TO BE CONTINUE)