34 Days 2go

Oh! My God if my Doctor is accurate enough with regards to my due date, it only 34 more days to go for a new life. A life that needs to be nurtured and shaped. Oh! my...Oh! my..I can't hardly believe that I am conceiving a baby inside my tummy and in fact at first I don't want to pursue my pregnancy and I wanted to abort it. I don't want it, I don't like it. it wasn't in my dream, it wasn't in my plans, I just can't imagine myself to be pregnant and I never pictured myself of having a baby and be a prison and be like what I am now these days. but what can I do? if this is my fate? what else can I do? I am not in a osition where I could have a choice, this is my only choice and nothing else so I am facing the consequences. However, I am thankful that this pregnancy is kinda smooth and no issues and problems at all my health is ok and never been through to like many pregnant women experiences an issues that make pregnancy sucks. Oh! Holy crap...now 34 more days i will be giving life, a life that I am not even sure what his future would be. A life that has no assurance. It made me really sad. that I don't want to blah blah here in this page, How I wish I could but i prefer not to and it serves no good at all. There are so many concerns that I am so bothered about. but what can I do? everything just terribly horrible. I am hoping that things will work out fine and good. But my heart and mind is so much bothered for just about everything concerning my life itself and now I am adding a new innocent life which I think should be spared from anything. I am afraid that his life would be just sucks and aborting him would be just the best thing to do then, because I am his mother in no position to make his life better. Just made me cry out loud inside but I just simply can't.

On the other hand, I wish my baby would be healthy and i don't know what to do if he is not. everything would just turn out so pretty bad. 34 more days and it his grand welcome into this chaotic world. I want the best of everything for him, but how could I do that if I can't even give the best of everything to myself???

I am imagining how he will be look like? Will he look like me? or his father? Will he be intelligent? or dumb? Will he be healthy or not? it is just between the two choices. In spite of all the concerns and everything I am still anxious and at the same time excited for his arrival. A mother is always a mother but I don't know what would I be to him? what type of mother would be my role? I want to give the best of everything to him but I am not in a position and his father. Oh!...anyway...I am just simply absorbing everything and waiting for the 34 days to be over.